to reveal where we are

i have found there is truly a lack of solitude in a dormitory.
and yet when i do have a single moment to myself (such as this one), i fill it with things: music, cleaning, homework, eating, etc.
none of these things in themselves are bad, but when stuffed into silence they just become unnecessary noise.

silence allows our minds to wander and examine our lives, which i have found scares a lot of people even if they don't realize it.

or silence can allow us to hear what He has to say to us.

i think so often we talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk to God, partly because we like the sound of our own voices, but also because we don't want to listen. we talk and then wonder why we can't hear God. 

isn't it kinda funny how we cry out to Him asking where He is, and sometimes become hysterical as to why our God is abandoning us --- but how can we hear His voice over our own incoherent woe-is-me babbling. to avoid laying down our own will and fully trusting Him, we feel we need to fill the silence with our own desires, needs, hurts and sufferings so that we can't hear what His will is for us.

now i fully 100% believe that God does care about our desires, needs, hurts and sufferings and wants us to tell Him all about them. but as i have been reading this book for VSB, i have continued to think about the idea of God pursuing me and me in return worshiping Him with my every thought and action - with my life. that includes having scary moments of silence where i just listen. 

i haven't really been able to wrap my mind around the concept of "God desperately seeking after me" and i think it's because i haven't allowed my mind to be pliable and moldable. i haven't been listening. i have filled my free time with things. unnecessary noise. then when God tries to poke in, i wonder where He is and do the whole woe-is-me-i-don't-feel-God-so-fill-the-silence-because-i'm-afraid bit. which is a terrible bit.

i'm not very good with daily devotions. i've always thought it was because i didn't have time or because i didn't ever know where to read in the Bible [i'd quite often do the open the bible and point to a verse game, which doesn't usually work well] but i don't think thats it. i think that i'm afraid of hearing Him. afraid He might tell me that He has a better plan for me or that He loves me.  i laugh at that statement because those aren't scary things. at all. 

this is where i stop talking.